A Place of Dreams

pakyueythan asked: How can I be as sexy as you? <english dapat gaya ng sa iba>

I am very very attracted to people who are open-minded and intelligent. People who can carry a conversation, and are able to hold their own, even in the deepest discussions. The mind is sexy, in my opinion, and if your thoughts intrigue me, I am very likely to fall for you. Hahahahahaha! Luls.

Talk nerdy to me. I wanna hear all your theories. All the complicated thoughts you have strung together up in the messed up little mind of yours. I want to read your spelling and grammar and not cringe while doing so. I want to admire your wit and struggle to compete with your pace of thought. I love the way you gaze into a book with such thought. I love seeing you think.

Smart people are sexy! So think smart!

pusokongbato asked: What was the hardest part of your life that you've ever been through that you almost gave up and lose hope and how do fought and solve it?

Lately, all I’ve been doing is falling. Falling. Falling. Falling into an abysmal darkness wiith no wings to fly out. 

It’s very hard for me to see hope and positiveness in life. I’m afraid of things falling apart before they even start. If something, even a very small thing, goes wrong, I can’t handle it. I always panic over everything, even things that didn’t happen but I think would happen.

In every time I talk to my friends they always call me a ‘boat’. I’m a boat that’s going along with the flow of the current, and soon, I’m going to come upon a waterfall, and I’ll fall down to the rocks below and be crushed to pieces. My friends tell me that it’s high time I take control of the oars and go against the current and carve out my own life.

They’re right. I should do that. 

But it’s not as easy as it sounds. I keep telling myself that it won’t happen overnight, that I need to take small steps leading up to it… but… I panic again and again. I feel like I’ll just keep falling. I feel like there’s no hope for me.  I need to get back up and live again. But I don’t know how to do it or where to start.

That’s the hardest part for me. It’s not sickness, it’s not solitude but falling. I’m weird. Ugghhh!

I love Sen. Miriam Defensor Santiago!

Learning to Love me- my faults and all!

After so many years of frustration at times, self doubt at all times, and never quite “fitting in”, I can sit here today and share with you that I am finally starting to believe in myself.

For most of my life, I have had issues with viewing the world through “idealistic” eyes. I challenged myself with unrealistic expectations— wanting to “prove to the world” how great and perfect I could b　e. That somehow, being better than “so and so”, or reaching the unreachable status of “perfect”, would allow me to access this world of what I believed I was unworthy of belonging to.

I was so perfectionist, I was grade conscious, and sometimes I always told to myself that there’s no room for mistakes. That’s why I always got frustrated if I didn’t meet my expectations. Yes, false and unreachable expectations maybe.

What a terrible burden to put upon myself. Not that these younger years were all bad, but I look back and with “realistic” eyes, I now see that I have always been worthy. I lacked self esteem, and surrounded myself with people who were not very good for me at all. I can’t change what is in the past- but I am beginning to forgive myself. In accepting that bit of information, I know I’m on my way.

(Source: lakandula)

A day treat!

The recurring sound woke me up yesterday. The errands of meeting my grandparents drive me to get away from my bed as early as 5AM. The scenario was like a still-sleeping child who magically turned to a responsible grandson and then eventually to a ninja.

Together with my cousins we headed straight to Cuneta Astrodome—the venue of the 75^th anniversary of a Christian group. Anyway, my grandparents are both pastors. On the irony, I am not part of the said christian group because I have my own religion, the same as my family, the same as my other side of grandparents. (I hope you get the logic now).

So I was just there to meet Lolo Ernie and Lola Lorna and I got the chance to meet them but they’re just too busy mainly because they are captains and they’re part of the whole scenario. When we arrived, the place was already filled with a lot of people wearing their uniforms—white on top of both sexes, black pants to boys and black skirts for girls. And then few minutes of waiting and the ceremony started. International pastors, officers of the religion, some leaders signed their march to start the Sunday service.

After some short talks, introductions, prayers—the crowd started to go wild when they began to worship and yes, they were really celebrating. Angels started to dance, harps are being played, the noise is not actually a noise but a good music, and so my spirits get high and I just dance and sing as well. The message of two pastors followed the worship and then the service was ended by some testimonies. What I like about hearing those experiences from people is—it inspires me, it touches my heart, it saves my soul.

Though it was already past 12, and my tummy was starting to party hard inside, I have also enjoyed hearing those life experiences of people who have known God and how their lives started to grow. It made me smile—really really brought me to a feeling of heaven. The bonus part of attending the event yesterday was, Lola Gina treated me all the way. So debit cash, credit savings! (My accounting professors will surely hit me if they will read this—the entry is inexistent)

(Source: lakandula)

I am just here, sitting on a corner. Waiting for someone who will touch my life, waiting for someone who will talk to me, say a word, and feel my emotion, but if in case you will just pass by, I’ll wake up one day. I know I’m suffocating myself with what my heart really desires. I know I can’t have you but at the same time I know I must have you.

If it’s impossible to have you in my life, allow me to be just here. Give me the courage to live my life. To live my life happily even if you’re not involve anymore. To live my life contentedly even if you can’t be mine.

So still, I am just sitting here on a corner- dreaming, waiting and loving. Dreaming to have you, waiting for you and loving you. I just realized that it was all you, just you. If loving you necessitates me to be just here on this corner, I’ll take the jeopardy, I’ll take it all in.

(Source: lakandula)

Nowadays, only famous people are being called dream followers.　

A lot of kids nowadays really write well. At a very young age they are already poets, commendable writers and they have this big dictionary in their minds. It really makes me envious, although I should be happy instead. I remember when I was 13 years old I wrote a poem but it wasn’t as good as poems being written today by these young people.

I am so jealous. I want to go back in time, read a lot, eat all the words in the dictionary, and buy more memory so that I could have a wide vocabulary. Having a cosmic lexis, compilation of fancy words, wide imaginations and creative writing at their young age made me shed tears. Why do they have to be so good?

Of course, we have to be happy for them but there are just times that I want to voraciously eat all the grammar books I have here. Okay! Forget these sentiments.　

(Source: lakandula)